This is a crack fic. And everyone in it is on crack. Well, no, not actually crack, because that stuff sucks. Instead, it's cocaine. Some of it may be freebased, but there is NO CRACK. Only cocaine.
Jude: (to a random guy) "Hey bro, whassup?"
Billy: "COCAINE!!! That's whassup."
Jude: "Really, bro? Dude, serve me some of that!"
(Billy pounds Jude's face into a ten-ton block of cocaine.)
Jude: (dazed) "Awesome..............."
(Meanwhile in the Penalty Box, a famous skier is talking about his glory days.)
Skier: "Ah, I remember it well. The white powder...the rush of the adrenaline...the way it felt when I fell facefirst into it...man, what a rush! I still can't believe I survived those days. Days when I still felt alive and couldn't wait to get outside, the days when I cut through the powder with what felt like razor blades, when the world was a mirror of my soul, and it wasn't a dirty mirror, but a wonderful one where everything seemed exciting. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?"
Jen and Billy: "I do!" (They look at each other in surprise.)
Jen: "You shred the snow?"
Billy: "You snort it?"
Jen: "Well, I try not to, but when you gotta, you gotta."
Billy: "I don't even bother trying anymore! I just do!"
Jen: "Are you...sure?"
Billy: "Oh, yeah! Speaking of which, I know where to find the finest snow. You interested?"
Jen: "Oh, give it to me!"
(Billy leads Jen outside. Once she's outside, he grabs her head and forces it into the block of cocaine, which crumbles and avalanches, forming a pyramid, a mountain. Jen falls back, dazed.)
Jen: "Ow! That fucking hurt, you goddamn piece of..."
(Jonesy and Nikki are walking around the mall when they come across the mountain of cocaine.)
Nikki: "What on earth..."
Jonesy: "Um...let's just go home."
Billy: "Hey man man you ever feel the way I feel I mean so high you get low and so low you get high off your depression and then you feel bad so you get high and you feel good just like you knew you would knew you should and that's why and that's why and that's why we're shaking and breaking and man, you really oughta know what I know which is that when you know where you're going you go go go go go go go go go I know what I said I said it like that what do you think about cats I mean they're just totally insane baby it's like a monkey took some Doritos and chopped them up into a fine paste and then puked and man, it's all over the place all over everyone's face that they know but they try to hide they hide it all inside it's well hid is what I'm saying but what the hell am I trying to say, that's the question ain't it well what I'm trying to say is that baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby back ribs baby baby baby baby baby step into the light c'mon c'mon you know what I mean is it gibberish probably but is it just meant to show I'm high on coke well you freaking bet baby so c'mon c'mon c'mon what's the matter with you now I don't bite but hey that chick who just left sure does and you have to work with her must be like working with an alligator who hates you but I don't hate you and the world don't hate you and you probably hate yourself, and that's the problem, so getting to the gist of the situation c'mon out and have yourself a little snort and smile, a go go go stop, a stop stop stop kiss, a kiss kiss kiss snort, a snort snort snort smile, I know I know I know c'mon baby take a chance with us just take a long ride on the blue bus c'mon c'mon c'mon you know what you want and it's everything I need so why don't you just take a chance?"
Billy: "Just come outside and take a good whiff."
Kirsten: "Aw, I didn't get to say '...' a second time! No fair!"
Kristen: "We're coming too!"
Billy: "The more, the merrier."
And so Billy wandered around the mall, introducing several patrons to the wonder that is cocaine. Eventually, all of the teenagers were strung out on the coke, and that's when things went bad, for there was a certain customer, who often shopped at the Penalty Box. To many, he was simply known as "Penalty Box Customer". To his mother, he was "Sweetie-Boopy-Babykins". But his real name? He was named Prudence. And as he was the one that everyone in the mall picked on. Unfortunately, when you're picked on normally, it'll only get worse when everyone around you is on cocaine...