It's About Time

It's About Time is an episode of 7teen. (Not to be confused with fanfiction author Jupiter Queen's 7teen.)

Synopsis

It's Coach Halder and Yummy Mummy's wedding day and Coach Halder and Shane are in a fight. Coach Halder refuses to talk about the fact that he and Shane will never be best friends again, so Shane refuses to be Coach Halder's best man. When Jonsey takes over, he moves the wedding to the most expensive place in town. No one knows how he pulled this off, but the wedding goes on as planned until Shane comes with the rings that Jonsey forgot and he and Coach Halder have it out once and for all.

Transcript

• [SCENE – Yummy Mummy’s house. Rina, Angel and Rhia are getting Yummy Mummy reading for her wedding. Rina does Yummy Mummy’s nails on one hand, Angel on the other, and Rhia does her hair.]
• Rhia: (Brushing) You’re gonna be a beautiful bride, Yummy Mummy.
• Yummy Mummy: Thanks, Mom. I just want everything to be so perfect for Coach Halder. I love him so much. This whole day is just full of love!
• (Enter Shane, carrying a bag, grumpily)
• Shane: (Furiously) I hate him. (Slams door, trudges towards the counter) He’s a self-centered whining, demanding, (throws bag on counter) miserable little white boy.
• Angel: What happened, my brother?
• Shane: (Angrily) “Get the tuxedos!” “Pumice my toes!” “Tie the cans to the car!” I’m his best man, not his hamster!
• Yummy Mummy: But you got the tuxes, right?
• Shane: You two deserve each other. (Paces towards couch, Angel follows)
• Angel: Um, Shane, what is really bothering you?
• Shane: (With Angel, sits) Coach Halder is really bothering me! I don’t know what I ever saw in him.
• Yummy Mummy: (Grinning to mask anger) Shawn… (giggles) See, (sits on couch arm) this is my wedding day and I would really appreciate it if there wasn’t any tension. (Strokes Shane’s hair)
• Shane: I don’t care. If somebody abuses me, I lash out.
• Yummy Mummy: (Suddenly choking Shane, but still smiling. Stands him up) Nobody’s abusing anybody! (Slowly moves him into the door) This is my wedding day! How dare you… (Pins him against the door)
• Shane: (Grunts) (Being choked) Can somebody help me out here?
• Yummy Mummy: (Still choking and smiling) No, see, the best man cannot hate the groom. (Hits his head against the door twice) Now you’re gonna ruin my wedding pictures. (Shane is in severe pain)
• Rhia: (Approaches the fray) Honey, you’re killing him.
• Shane: (Raspy, due to lack of hair) (Looking up) Dad… I’m coming Dad… (Rhia tries to pry Yummy Mummy off of him)
• Angel: (Smiling, to make light of the scenario) Yummy Mummy, if he dies, then the best man is Jonsey.
• Yummy Mummy: (Chill choking, briskly shakes head) Then we don’t want him to die.
• Angel: No, no we don’t.
• Yummy Mummy: (Lets go) You okay? Okay, good boy. (Strokes his hair insincerely)
• Shane: (Sinks down the door, energy drained. Angel squats next to him) (To Angel) They’re both psycho.
• Yummy Mummy: (To Shane) How can there be anything wrong between you and Coach Halder? You love him more than I do. (Rhia looks at her, stunned) (To Rhia) It’s true, but I’m okay with it. (Walks away, with Rhia, leaving Angel & Shane alone at the door)
• Angel: (On the couch) What’s going on?
• Shane: (Still leaning on the door) Our entire friendship has always been about him! How does Coach Halder feel? What is Coach Halder thinking? (Rubs neck)
• Angel: Come on, Shawn, what’s this really about?
• Shane: (Thinks) You know, (stands) you’d think on his wedding day he’d realize how hard this is for me. (Exits)
• [SCENE – The Masterson-Garcia’ living room. Everything is cleared out to make room for tons of folding white chairs for the ceremony. Ron is there, as are Emma Masterson and Mr. Garcia, who is moving flowers. Coach Halder enters, slightly panicked, with Eric in tail]
• Coach Halder: Where’s my best man?
• Mr. Garcia: (Lugging a huge vase of lots of flowers) Don’t know!
• Jonsey: Shoulda picked me!
• Coach Halder: (Ignoring Jonsey) Wait a minute, he’s not here yet?
• Coach Halder: (Ignoring Jonsey, to room) What’s his problem? I’m getting married in four hours!
• Jonsey: Okay, I think it’s time for the older brother to give the younger brother the pre-wedding sex talk, okay?
• Ron: (Sarcastically) Oh, goody…
• Coach Halder: (Being sat in a chair by Jonsey) You? I’m getting advice from you?
• Jonsey: (Pointing to Emma Masterson) Take notes, Mommy! Jonsey Garcia is giving lessons in human boinging. (Emma sighs, putting her face in her palm)
• Mr. Garcia: (Upset) Oh, no no no no no…
• Jonsey: (To Coach Halder, seriously) Alright, lesson one: Sex without love is empty and hollow. (Suddenly jokingly) And that’s just the way we men like it! Huh? (Puts his arm around Mr. Garcia) (The whole room looks displeased, especially Mr. Garcia who, unsure of how to react, motions as though he should hit Jonsey)
• Ron: Jonsey, you’re completely missing the beauty of human sexuality. It’s not just a physical act, it’s the intimacy between two people sharing their souls.
• Jonsey: Maybe for old people!
• Ron: (Giving up) You know, you’re all crazy! (Exits)
• Coach Halder: Stands, worried) I can’t believe Shane. I can’t believe he’s not here yet. I mean, what is so hard about remembering the tuxedos, the wedding cake, and the rings!
• Jonsey: (Leaning into Coach Halder’s ear from behind) Fire Shane, you know you want to… (Coach Halder raises his hand in front of Jonsey’s face, who switches to the other ear) Come on, give me the job, I’m your former employee, we both came out of our Daddy’s womb!
• Emma Masterson: (Ignoring Jonsey, who walks away) Coach Halder, you and Shane are best friends and you’re going to stay best friends.
• Coach Halder: Are we?
• Emma Masterson: What?
• Coaah Halder: (Frustrated) Because where is my best friend with the tuxedos? (Hurriedly walks towards the door) Why is my best friend trying to sabotage my wedding day?
• Shane: (Enters, quickly, with a shopping back and a cake box in hand) Oh, now I’m sabotaging your wedding day?
• Coach Halder: Where’re the tuxedos?
• Shane: I don’t have them yet.
• Coach Halder: What do you mean you don’t have them yet?
• Shane: (Agitated) I’ve been outside tying tin cans to the Volvo for the last hour, my fingers are bleeding! (Holds up fingers)
• Coach Halder: (Pause) We don’t have a Volvo.
• Shane: What?
• Coach Halder: We don’t have a Volvo, we have a Chevy.
• Shane: Well who has a Volvo?
• Ron: (Enters from kitchen with several tin cans on a string) Who’s been tying tin cans to my car?
• Coach Halder: (Points to Shane) He did. (Takes the can from Ron)
• Shane: (Rubs forehead) This is too much pressure…
• Coach Halder: Shane, what’s the matter buddy? I mean, you’re really letting me down, here.
• Shane: Coach Halder, has it occurred to you even a little bit that as far as you and me go, today is the last day that we’re ever gonna be… Coach Halder and Shane? You know? Shane and Coach Halder?
• Coach Halder: (Speechless, looks around. Eyes the can label) Beans? (Holds up cans) You picked beans?
• Shane: What’s the matter with beans?
• Coach Halder: Beans are not a wedding can!
• Shane: Why not?
• Coach Halder: Because beans do not say eternal love and happiness!
• Jonsey: (Interjecting from the easy chair) I know what they say!
• Shane: (Ignoring Jonsey) Coach Halder, (Puts his hand son Coach Halder’s shoulders) I’m trying to talk to you about something.
• Coach Halder: (Knocks away Shane’s arms, dropping cans) I don’t wanna talk about it now.
• Shane: WHy not?
• Coach Halder: Did you pick up the honeymoon tickets from the travel agent?
• Shane: What’s the matter with you?
• Mr. Garcia: (Interjecting, try to cool things off) Hey, hey, guys…
• Coach Halder: (Stopping Mr. Garcia) No, no, no, no. Mr. Garcia, please! (Looks at Shane) I just want a guy who can pick up the tuxedos and tie some cans together!
• Shane: (Forcefully) I just want to talk to you about this.
• Coach Halder: Erupting) Shane, I just wanna competent best man!
• Shane: (Exploding) THEN GET A NEW ONE!! (Walks towards door)
• Coach Halder: What did you say?
• Shane: I said get a new best man!(
• Jonsey: Freaks out, happily I guess, in his chair. Then stands) Coach Halder, what I think we’ve got here is a best man who’s folded under the pressure. (Walks over to Coach Halder) I’ll pick up the tuxedos, (picks up cans) I’ll tie the cans to the Subaru, it’s all taken care of. (Looks at Shane with a gloating face, Shawn ignores him) (Exits through front)
• Coach Halder: You can be an usher.
• Shane: I don’t want to be an usher.
• Coach Halder: Well, do you wanna walk my Nana Booboo down the aisle?
• Shane: I don’t wanna walk Nana Booboo anywhere.
• Coach Halder: Whaddya wanna do, Shawn?
• Shane: (Not angry, simply sad) (Shrugs) I don’t wanna do anything.
• Coach Halder: (Raising anger) You don’t wanna do anything at my wedding?
• Shane: (Very angry again) No, I’m not going to your wedding! (Walks away)
• Coach Halder: Fine!! Then don’t go!!
• [SCENE – Masterson-Garcia’ living room. Mr. Garcia, Ron, Jude, Wyatt, Diego Garcia, Robbie Garcia, and Coach Halder all away the arrival of the tuxes in their undershirts, boxers, high dress socks, fancy shoes, and sock holder-uppers (I don’t know what they’re called). Emma Masterson, Jen, Courtney, Catlin and Nikki also wait, but they are dressed in nice black dresses, sitting in a chairs. Cory, impatiently, paces back and forth. Jazz enters in identical attire]
• Jazz: Alright, alright, alright… (To Coach Halder) I just spoke to Shawn, and I’m sure he’ll forgive you just, you know, give him a call.
• Coach Halder: (Angrily) Shawn can kiss my groom tuchas in hell!
• Jonsey: (Enters in tux) Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the best best man of all? (Cartman voice) You are, Jonsey. You are.
• Ron: Hey, moron. Where’re the tuxedos?
• Jonsey: Oh, in the limo, baby!
• Mr. Garcia: What limo, baby?
• Jonsey: The limo that’s taking us all to Coach Halder’s wedding. You don’t actually think I’d let him get married in this dump, do you
• Emma Masterson: Jonsey, what did you do?
• Jonsey: Oh, no time, Mom, we’re on a schedule. Okay, the girls are already on there way, so we gotta move, people. (Backs towards the door, stands at it and looks at the occupants of the room, expecting them to move. Mr. Garcia gestures to his attire, but Jonsey doesn’t care) We gotta MOVE, people! (Ron is the first to go) (As Ron passes) Nice legs, Ron.
• Coach Halder: (To James, as everyone files out) You tell Shane my new best man got me a limo.
• Jazz: (as they exit) Before or after the groom tuchas in hell?
• Coach Halder: You decide. (He and James exit)
• Mr. Garcia: (The last one in the room, to Jonsey) Is this gonna be very, very bad?
• Jonsey: (Thinking) Mmmm… We’ll see. (Exits with Mr. Garcia)
• [SCENE – Victorian Hotel ballroom. Many men and women in fancy clothes are going about, setting up a very fancy wedding. Jonsey enters, with Mr. Garcia, Emma, Jen, Courtney, James, Wyatt, Jude, Catlin, Nikki, Coach Halder, and Ron behind him. All of them men have their tuxes on]
• Emma Masterson: (Looking around) Jonsey, this is the Victorian Hotel.
• Coach Halder: (To Jonsey, impressed) Very nice!
• Jazz: (Smiling and nodding) This is an Jonsey thing! (Suddenly solemn) This is an Jonsey thing…
• Mr. Garcia: (To Jonsey) I’m not paying for this.
• Jonsey: (Steps closer to Mr. Garcia) You never made any real money, did ya, Dad?
• Mr. Garcia: No, but I had you, so I’m twice cursed. (He and Jonsey exchange smiles)
• Emma Masterson: Jonsey, what is the deal here?
• Jonsey: Look, the deal is this is the most important day of my step-sister’s boss life and I came through, okay? So either you can have a great time… Or! You can be all cynical and think something fishy’s going on.
• [SCENE – Hotel room somewhere. Yummy Mummy is putting the final touches on her wedding outfit with Rina and Angel there as well]
• Yummy Mummy: Do you think anything’s gonna change between us after I get married?
• Angel: No. Nothing’s gonna change. Just because you’re moving out and you’re setting up house and you’re gonna be with Coach Halder all the time and maybe have kids… some day… Gosh, I am never gonna see you again, am I? (Sadly, her and Yummy Mummy hug)
• Yummy Mummy: (While hugging) Do you want me to call it off?
• Angel: (Looks Yummy Mummy squarely in the eye) I want you to be happy.
• Yummy Mummy: I want you to be happy, too. (Goes back to hugging)
• Rina: (Hugs both of them) I want you to be happy, three!
• Angel: (To Yummy Mummy, excitedly) You’re getting married today!!
• (The three of them scream and jump up and down excitedly)
• [SCENE - Philadelphia Victorian Hotel, the area that has become the wedding hall. A very nice strings band is playing fancy wedding music as the priest enters and takes his place in front of Coach Halder on the altar. He and Coach Halder looks down the aisle, where Rina and Jazz walk down first. Jazz gives a thumbs up as he and Rina take their places next to the altar. Next come Ron and Courtney, who take their places, followed by Jonsey and Angel, who also take their places among the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Finally, the flower girl and the ring bearer, a little girl and boy, come down the aisle. They stop before the altar, and the flower girl gestures for Jazz to come over. He does so, cautiously]
• Flower Girl: (To Jazz) You are very hot. (Nods)
• Jazz: (Unsure how to react) (Whispering) Thanks. (Shows her to her place, then retakes his spot)
• Jonsey: (Steps towards the ring bearer, noticing his little pillow has no rings on it) Hey, ring boy, where are the rings?
• Ring bearer: That’s your job, slick. I’m just here to look cute. (Smiles and waves at the crowd adorably)
• Jonsey: (Laughing uncomfortably) It’s okay, Coach… (Gently shoves the ring bearer off screen with an increasingly angry expression. At this point, he is near Angel)
• Angel: You forgot the rings, didn’t you?
• Jonsey: Yes, but I remembered my underwear! (Realizes, grabs Angel’s wrist, scared) No I didn’t! (Returns to his place)
• (The band begins the wedding march, the crowd stands, looking at the beginning of the aisle. Yummy Mummy is at the entrance with her father, but she is staring at Coach Halder. Coach Halder smiles at her, she smiles right back. Yummy Mummy and her father begin moving. As they do so, Jedka takes Yummy Mummy’s hand. He and Yummy Mummy stop at the altar, he holds out his other hand for Coach Halder, and the puts their hands together after kissing Yummy Mummy’s hand.)
• Jedka: Be good to each other. (Rhia looks sad, Jedka sits next to her)
• Yummy Mummy: (To Coach Halder) We’ve waited for the moment all our lives. What’re you thinking?
• Coach Halder: (Disappointed) I can’t believe Shane’s not here.
• Yummy Mummy: (Deeply emotional) I love you, too. (Coach Halder smiles, the two approach the altar)
• Priest: (To room) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the wedding of Yummy Mummy and Coach Halder. And now a song, from the mother of the groom, Mrs. Florence Halder.
• Florence Halder: (Stands, walks over and stands on the same stage as the band. She blows a kiss to Coach Halder and Yummy Mummy, then begins singing) I love you truly, truly dear…
• (Shane enters and walks up to Coach Halder at the altar in the midst of the song. Florence continues singing, but the following conversation occurs over it)
• Shane: (To Coach Halder) Hey, you’re gonna need these rings. (Holds out rings to Coach Halder)
• Coach Halder: Shanie! I knew you’d come! (Takes the rings)
• Shane: I wouldn’t miss this, Coach.
• Coach Halder: Look, I am so sorry for all the stuff that happened.
• Shane: Well, you should be. But, we’ll talk about it after you get back from the honeymoon, okay?
• Coach Halder: (Turns back to face Florence, then to Shane, who had begun walking into the audience) Wait a minute, (steps towards Shane, off the alter) what do you mean I should be?
• Shane: Coach, you’ve been being a jerk to me.
• Coach Halder: (Quietly angry) That’s because you’re the one who forgot the tuxedos. And you’re the one that didn’t tie the tin cans! It’s like you’re trying to sabotage my wedding day!
• Shane: (Trying to remain quiet) That is ridiculous! If I wanted to sabotage your wedding day… I’d so this. (Shoves Coach Halder back, he steps up onto the altar because of it. Yummy Mummy quickly gathers up her dress, and all attention is diverted from Florence to Coach Halder and Shane)
• Coach Halder: (Fixing his cuffs) Boy oh boy, you, uh… You do not want to do that. (Turns away, squatting and pointing) Get him, Yummy Mummy!
• Shane:(Openly angry) You know what? I shouldn’t of come here, have a nice life, jerk!
• Coach Halder: You, too, trailer trash!!
• Jonsey: (Laughing) A-ha-ha!! Shane’s poor! Ha ha ha!
• (Shane snaps. Yelling, she charges Cory and the two, entangled fighting, fall to the ground.)
• Coach Halder: (Yelling amidst the fray) This is my wedding day!!
• (Jazz, Jedka, and Mr. Garcia do their best to separate the two, and they do by pulling them off the floor)
• Shane: (Being restrained by Jedka and Jazz) (Yelling with rage) He doesn’t care that we’re not gonna be friends anymore!!
• Coach Halder: (Being restrained by Alan) Why do you keep saying that, huh? Why do you have to keep bringing that up?
• Shane: ‘Cause you won’t talk about it!!
• Coach Halder: I don’t wanna talk about it! Why do you think I’ve been sending you everywhere?
• Shane: We have to talk about it!
• Coach Halder: (Like a child) I don’t want to…
• Shane: We have to!
• Coach Halder: (Breathes) …now?
• Shane: (has been releases, paces towards the altar’s side) (Almost crying) Coach, after you get married, things are gonna be different. And I don’t have a lot for friends, you know? (Sits on the altar step)
• Coach Halder: Shanie, I… (Sits next to Shane) I don’t know what’s gonna happen. What do you want me to do?
• Shane: (Pause) I don’t know… (Pause, meekly) Do you really like her?
• Coach Halder: (Smiles, nodding) Yeah, I really do.
• Shane: You sure?
• Yummy Mummy: (Interjects, leaning her head between Shane and Coach Halder) Shane, I really think I’ve been very tolerant. (Backs away)
• Shane: Okay… (To Coach Halder) Marry her.
• Coach Halder: You giving me your blessing?
• Shane: (Sadly) Yeah, well… we gotta grow up sometime. (Coach Halder smiles)
• [Cut to later. Yummy Mummy and Coach Halder are exchanging vows at the altar. Order has been restored]
• Yummy Mummy: I wasn’t sure this day would ever come. But you were. I wasn’t sure that love could survive everything we put it through. But you were. You were always strong and always sure. And now I know that I want you to stand beside me for the rest of my life. That’s what I’m sure of.
• (Camera cuts to Coach Halder, who has his arm around Shawn across from Yummy Mummy. Both of them are looking at Yummy Mummy lovingly)
• "Coach Halder': (To Shane) I have to talk to her now, okay?
• Shane: Go ahead. (Backs away to the traditional best man spot)
• Coach Halder: (Pats Shane’s back) Okay… (To Yummy Mummy) Um… (Begins vows) Ever since I was young, I never really understood anything about the world. And I never understood anything that happened in my life. The only thing that ever made sense to me was you. And how I felt about you. (Topanga inhales sharply, avoiding tears) That’s all I’ve ever known. And that’s enough. That’s enough for me for the rest of my life, Yummy Mummy. (Yummy Mummy is smiling) We gonna get married?
• Yummy Mummy: (Nods) Yeah, we are.
• Coach Halder: Good, ‘cause, um… (holds up rings) I have these rings. (Puts a ring on Yummy Mummy’s finger) I love you, Yummy Mummy.
• Yummy Mummy: I love you, too, Coach Halder. (Puts a ring on Coach Halder’s finger. Her and Coach Halder turn to the priest and interlock arms)
• Priest: (To Yummy Mummy) Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, to cherish and adore, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?
• Yummy Mummy: (Looks at Coach Halder lovingly) I do.
• Priest: (To Coach Halder) And do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, to cherish and adore, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?
• Coach Halder: (Looks at Yummy Mummy) I do.
• Priest: Then by the power vested in me, by the commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. (Yummy Mummy laughs with joy, and then she and Coach Halder kiss) (To room) Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, I present to you for the first time ever, Mister and Misses Coach Halder!
• (Yummy Mummy, smiling and staring at Coach Halder, turns his head so he too is looking at her. The whole room stands and applauds at the happy couple. Yummy Mummy and Coach Halder, smiling greatly, hug closely)
• [SCENE - Victorian Hotel ballroom, it is the reception after the ceremony. Coach Halder and Yummy Mummy are dancing, as are, unbelievable, Jedka and Rhia, as well as Flores and Al, and Rina and a Masterso-Garica’ cousin, among others]
• Rina: (Maintaining a fake smile, to Feeny who’s sitting nearby) Ron, help!
• Ron: (Stands, to cousin) Scram, Zippy. (the cousin leaves, Ron takes his place)
• [Cut over to Emma Masterson and Mr. Garcia]
• Emma Matserson: (To Mr. Garcia) This was an amazing wedding.
• Mr. Garcia: Fabulous.
• Emma Masterson: How could Jonsey have pulled this thing off?
• Mr. Garcia: Well, that’s the first thing I’ll ask him when visit him in Attica. (He and Emma move towards Coach Halder and Yummy Mummy) (To Coach Halder and Yummy Mummy) Excuse me, may we cut in? (Mr. Garcia and Coach Halder trade dance partners)
• Coach Halder: (As they switch) Yes…
• Flores Halder: Coach, I’m so proud of you.
• Coach Halder: Thank you, Mama.
• Flores Halder: And even though you’re a married man now, you’re still our little boy. And we love you very much.
• [Cut to Al and Yummy Mummy]
• Al Halder: And when he makes you nuts, you call me.
• Yummy Mummy: Thanks… Dad. (They kiss on the cheek)
• Shane: (Standing on a chair, clinks a glass to gets everyone’s attention) I’d like to propose a toast. (Everyone pays attention) This is for Coach Halder and Yummy Mummy. (Toasting) Well, there is something I’d like to say. I may not be the best man, but I am the best friend. Coach and I have been best friends all our lives. And, um, this wedding’s been kinda hard for me because I know, no matter how much we may avoid talking about it, Coachand I aren’t gonna be best friends forever. Things are changing between us. Things have always been changing. We’ve had to deal with life… and death. And Feeny. But no matter what we faced, we always faced it together. (Steps down to the floor, looking at Coach Halder) So then how can we possibly be upset with each other on his wedding day? Well, it’s because deep down, I think Cory and I both know that we’re not gonna be best friends anymore. (Long pause) And that’s the way it should be. So this is to Topanga. (Looks to her, holding out glass) Coach’s wife… and new best friend. (Steps closer, to Yummy Mummy, almost crying) Take care of him okay?
• Yummy Mummy: (Nods) I will.
• Shane: (Faintly smiling) And when he makes you nuts, call me.
• Yummy Mummy: (While she and Shane hug) I will.
• Shane: (Holds up glass, to room) To Coach Halder and Yummy Mummy.